The following was not actually recorded at a campaign rally. As far as I know.

Friends! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. It is so good. It is so good to see you all here. So good. I love it. Thank you. Very great. Tremendous.

My fellow Americans…we love music. I love it. You do too. You’re wonderful people, and you love music. Wonderful. Isn’t it fantastic? You plug in some cords, and then you play some chords. I came up with that myself – no speech writers! There are people who need speech writers because they don’t know how to be funny by themselves. I have a great brain, and I know how to be funny. No writers for me, folks! I just think of puns and say them out loud. I don’t even ask.

But music is so great. We have the greatest music in the world, America. But there’s a problem. I know you know there’s a problem. It’s really horrible. There are these drummers. These drummers are coming onto our stages, and they’re hitting things. It’s very violent, all this hitting. Hitting everywhere. Especially in our major cities. They hit, and hit, and hit. And they hit hard. The loudness, sometimes it just hurts. And they don’t even care. They just take out their sticks, and bang away. It’s not good. Who would call it good? I wouldn’t call it that, because it’s terrible what happens.

It’s radical drummerism, folks. That’s what it is. And you have to call it what it is to take care of it. My opponent won’t call it what it is. The other side – they won’t admit what’s going on. There’s no admission. It’s just this horrible lack of admission. They want to call these people percussionists. But it’s radical drummerism. I’m not afraid to say what it is, but they’re afraid. So afraid.

But I’m not afraid, because I have this incredible plan. I didn’t need a bunch of advisors to walk me through it. I just came up with it when I was on the plane. I’m very intelligent like that. I almost can’t believe it, sometimes, except that I can, always. I’m not afraid to call radical drummerism what it is, and I’m going to fix it. Trust me. It’s going to get fixed. The first thing I’m going to do is to immediately stop ALL drummers from just getting onto our stages. They’re not going to get onto any of our beautiful, American stages until they have been thoroughly checked. I mean VERY thoroughly, folks. We’re going to have great people checking, and they’re going to be very careful with each drummer, looking at if they’re going to do something bad on our stages. These stages that our families use. It’s so important that families have great stages.

That’s not the whole plan, though. I always make plans with lots of parts. I love parts. I’m sort of a “part”-y animal, folks. Another pun, so great. I love puns. They just happen when I’m around, I can’t control it.

So there’s this other part to the plan. WE ARE GOING TO BUILD A WALL, FRIENDS! We are going to build a wall to stop these drummers. It’s going to be such a good wall. I’ve built many walls. So many. And it’s going to be a great one, the best ever. You’ll be able to see through it folks, right through it. You’ll be able to see these drummers, but not hear them as much. Isn’t that great? It’s so good! It’s going to be amazing. You’ll see. We’ll build this wall, and we WILL make these radical drummers pay for it! I’m very persuasive. I’ll persuade them. Telling people what to do, I’m good at that. Very good. I practice always. It’s a part of who I am. Telling people things.

We’re going to fix all the problems with these radical drummers. We’re going to do it, because we’re going to do it for our incredible country. Radical drummerism is going to stop happening here. And it’s going be fast. Believe me. Very fast. I do things fast, because I’ve done many very fast, big things. It’s great to be smart like me.

So, if you’re a great person – and you are, because you’re here! If you’re a great person, and you want radical drummerism out of our incredible country, vote for me! Those nasty, radical drummers won’t even know what hit ’em. You need a President who can do these very important things. I will be an important President! The most important President you’ve ever had!

Thank you! Thank you! It was so great to be here. Very great. I love you people, thank you!