The value of Sharpies is hard to overstate.
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Want to use this image for something else? Great! Click it for the link to a high-res or resolution-independent version.When the world economy collapses in The Apocalypse, Sharpies will probably be the main form of currency. Sorry, “Fallout” fans, but I don’t think bottlecaps are going to cut it. Two of these iconic markers will buy a whole farm, plus a generator filled with the last diesel to exist on the planet. Just you watch.
And why not? They’re already the most valuable thing that an audio craftsperson can possess. Apparently, I mean. It’s even surprising to me how I feel about Sharpies. I have this sneaky suspicion that if I lent out a 30′ XLR cable and it didn’t come back, I’d be over it in a couple of days. In contrast, somebody borrowed a silver Sharpie from me at the beginning of the month…and I don’t think it was returned…and I’m still thinking about it. And the person I lent it to. Their name, it is known to me. It is filed forever in a corner of my brain reserved entirely for the purpose of remembering persons that I have handed any sort of marking pen to.
Seriously, people ask me for an adapter, or a cable, or a roll of gaff tape, and I hand it over without thinking. Ask me for a Sharpie, and I become a bird of prey. I will constantly be looking around for you and my precious marker. I will be able to zero in on you from several thousand feet. My vision extends into the infrared and ultraviolet portions of the spectrum when a Sharpie is out of my FOH bag. I can hear the fabric of spacetime bending around you and my precious writing instrument. It sings to me across the aeons. It calls to me across the event horizons of black holes. Don’t even think about going outside the venue with that thing. No. NO. You can write on things in here, you villain, YOU KNAVE!
You want a mic stand? No problem, here you go. Want me to leave you the lighting computer and the password? Yeah, okay. You want a Sharpie?
I will get your name and home address, and I will 100% look on Google Maps to see if it’s a legitimate place that exists. There will be a background check. Fingerprints. I will demand three references and call them.
Maybe it’s because the things are so useful. (Pro Tip: Silver sharpies on black gaff tape make really decent, semi-permanent labels for many racks and workboxes.) Maybe it’s because they seem expensive for their classification. Maybe it’s because they disappear so readily. Maybe it’s because everybody wants one. Maybe it’s because they’re hard to find when you really need one.
Maybe it’s all those things.
“No, dude, first you hand me the money, THEN I hand you the Sharpie.” It’s at that level. The things are made of some precious metal, I swear. Of all the “magic markers” in this world, they seem to have the most magic.
You could replace The One Ring in “Lord Of The Rings” with a Sharpie, and all the dialogue would still make perfect sense. That’s how valuable the things are.
“Is it secret? Is it safe?”
I’m tellin’ ya.