“Period correct components.”

Old technology was less reliable and didn’t really sound better, but we’ll charge you extra for saying we used it.

“Legendary sparkle.”

This thing clangs like a chunk of steel dropped 30 feet onto a concrete floor.

“Simple electronics that let you focus on your playing.”

It was cheaper to build this way.

“Spank.”

Another word for single-coil clang.

“Standard sealed tuners.”

This is the cheap version, but we had to write it up like it was something special.

“Classic vibe.”

It looks old. Maybe it will sound better. Or just look old. Who knows?

“Innovative wiring.”

You can’t hear the difference, but we had to write something.

“Delivers the look and feel of…”

This whole guitar cost us $10 to make, but it’s sort of shaped like a famous one, so there ya go.

“Custom fret wire.”

You won’t notice a difference, but we’ll charge you an extra $200.

“Neck features a wide-thin shape.”

We compromised so that nobody would like playing this thing.

“Mini toggle switches…”

You will constantly be hitting these at all the wrong moments.

“Highly playable.”

The same as everything else.

“Improves the natural intonation of the instrument by creating a more synergistic response from the soundboard.”

Nobody told us that intonation and tonality aren’t interchangeable terms.

“Defined tone.”

It sounds like a guitar.

“Narrow-wasted…”

When we’re wasted, we prefer to be wide, but whatever you’re into, Dude.

“Liquid midrange.”

We’re not sure if this is better or worse than gaseous midrange.

“Old school low end.”

The definition of “old-school” is so amorphous that nobody will ever be able to call us on this one.

“…provides tones perfect for any genre.”

You’ll buy this without trying it first, and the tone will only have a 50% chance of being right for you.

“[Company] let [artist] specify everything.”

Do you want expensive guitars? This how you get expensive guitars.

“EQ instantly optimizes your bass for different playing styles.”

By instant, what we mean is that you’ll have to futz with all the knobs for at least an hour to start, and then agonize over them for 20 minutes at every gig thereafter.

“Has the look you need to dominate the stage.”

There are a lot of sharp edges on this instrument. Wear long sleeves and gloves.

“You can’t argue with the amazing sound…”

There’s an entire Facebook group dedicated to hating the sound of this thing.

“The proprietary neck has zero dead spots.”

Unlike this town after 10PM, AM I RIGHT?

"[Artist’s] signature speaker."

We can’t think of anything else to write to sell this thing to you. It probably sounds like 90% of the other guitar speakers out there.

“Classic, American tone.”

We don’t really know what that is, and we’re hoping you don’t have a very clear idea about it either.

“Modern-vintage vibe.”

There is nothing we can meaningfully say about this thing.

“Focused articulation.”

This thing also produces higher frequencies.

“The power and performance you need on any stage.”

Too loud for anything but an arena. Also too loud there.

“Handcrafted.”

More expensive.

“All tube spring reverb.”

Expensive, but still a spring reverb.

“Liquid tone and smooth feel.”

I wish I was drinking a fine scotch, but I’m sitting here writing copy for a giant book of music gear.

“Class A”

Costs more, may also be useful as a space heater.

“Amazing headroom…”

It’s really FREAKING LOUD. Guaranteed to be misused.

“Utilizes a redesigned volume circuit.”

They picked a potentiometer taper that’s actually useful this time.

“Special edition.”

Exactly the same performance, but $500 more, in a color you’ll hate in a year, and with a fancy badge on the front.

“Your full-stack dream rig…”

We’ll also sell you the 12” combo that you’ll actually gig with and secretly prefer the sound of.

“Active guitar monitor.”

Overpriced combo amp with no tone controls.

“High density enclosure.”

Low resonance sounds great, if you can lift it.

“Nothing but a volume control between you and your tone.”

We don’t know why this thing costs so much after they left out the EQ section on purpose.

“Boutique.”

This thing costs as much your amp and all your guitars put together, but you’ll still have to pay extra for a matching cab.

“Nearly indestructible.”

You’ll scuff it up at the first gig.

“[Artist] signature model.”

Take out a home-equity line of credit to buy this dinky little combo.

“Recording amp.”

If we say this one is specifically for recording, you might spend money on it (even though the amp you have now is just fine).

“Faithfully models 60 amplifiers!”

You’ll only care about one or two.

“Organic, lush delay”

There’s a low-pass filter in the circuit somewhere.

“12 reverb types”

The first day, you’ll play around with all of them. After that, you’ll park the selector somewhere and never move it again.

“Studio-grade”

No noticeable sonic advantage. Costs $50 – $100 more.

“Juicy”

With strong notes of tolex, aromas of chicken-head knobs, and a mild aftertaste of distortion.

“Basking Shark/ Electric Banana/ Chromatic Dragon/ Seductive Marmoset”

Why couldn’t they just have called these things a compressor, distortion, EQ, and reverb, so it was easy to figure out what they do?

“Modern, high-gain tones.”

More fizz than a soda.

“100% discrete.”

Our excuse for making a really simple thing into an expensive, simple thing.

“Power and tone to rule any size venue.”

Spend thousands of dollars! Alienate your entire band instantly!

“Specially voiced for matching amps and processing.”

Awful for anything else. Hope you don’t change your mind later!

“Classic analog oscillators.”

You ever see a keyboard that goes out of tune, son? I have.

“Sizable patchbay”

In about a week, you’ll realize what a pain it is to use this thing.

“Built-in vocoder and mic.”

You ever see a keyboard that can cause feedback on stage, son? I have.

“Natural-touch, velocity-sensitive, semi-weighted keybed.”

Like most other models, it pretty much feels like a keyboard and gets louder when you play harder.

“Raw, vintage-style synth.”

Cooked synths have fewer nutrients and less fiber. Make the natural choice – stay regular.

“100 drum rhythms onboard.”

Please send us the video of you accidentally triggering one during a church service. A funeral would be best.

“Almost as good as the real thing.”

We’re not saying you’re cheaping out, it’s just that…you’re cheaping out.

“Offers endless fun.”

Until the batteries die.

“Acoustic-style 22-inch kick.”

We partially undid the compactness advantage of electronic drums in an effort to look cool. It also costs more.

“Collectible, throwback script badges.”

This shell-pack is $200 more expensive than the other one, which is otherwise the same.

“Velvety low-end.”

Those other drumkits have very coarse low-end, which can irritate the skin.

“Not abrasive or tinny as you might expect.”

We ordered a grundle of these, and can’t sell any. Please buy one. Please.

“A floor tom with legs.”

We had to say SOMETHING about it.

“Won’t take over a mix.”

The guitar player and bassist will flatten you like you’re a slow squirrel trying to dart across an interstate highway.

“Broadband maple.”

1000X the download speed of dialup maple.

“Rich, lingering sustain.”

You’ll spend at least a year trying to kill some of that lingering sustain.

“Complex bite and sensitivity.”

This snare drum is really FREAKING LOUD.

“[Artist’s] signature laser-engraved…”

Nobody but you will know or care about this, but we’ll charge you an extra $100 to buy this thing.

“DynaZip system.”

It’s a zipper, like you have on your hoodie.

“Delightfully pliable feel.”

These cymbals will get wrecked in a week. Watch.

“A locking case, shockmount, and wooden box are included.”

They better be – this mic costs $9000.

“Particularly remarkable as a matched pair.”

Also, buy our book, “How To Get Someone To Drop $18000 On A Pair Of Microphones.”

“Genuine tube for added vintage character.”

Vintage character = distortion.

“Vintage sound and modern technology.”

It’s a large diaphragm condenser with solid-state electronics.

“A bit of a departure from the bright, upfront sound…”

$10 says you’ll EQ that back in.

“Has a drive setting to add vibrant harmonic complexity.”

Pay extra on an expensive mic so that you can distort the signal.

“Fat switch boosts low frequencies.”

You could do the same thing for free with your EQ, but why?

“Sound quality typically found in larger, more expensive mics.”

Because mics are really well understood at this point, so spending a huge premium for a certain name probably isn’t worth it.

“Dual backplate/ dual membrane design is key to the sound.”

The same as every other mic with a pattern switch.

“Multi-voicing technology for forward, neutral, and gentle responses.”

The new version will also have reverse, 4X4 Lo, and manual mode with F1-inspired paddle shifters.

“Low-mass diaphragm.”

Just like any other condenser mic we’ve ever sold, or ever will sell.

“Realism.”

We’re still waiting for a mic from the impressionism school.

“Figure-8 pattern is great at picking up environmental sounds.”

Hope you REALLY like the sound of your room!

“Captures acoustic complexity out of the reach of other mics.”

That acoustic complexity is also out of the reach of human hearing.

“Uses the 2.4 GHz band to avoid interference.”

Except the firestorm of interference in the 2.4 GHz band due to a squazillion smartphones and Wi-Fi access points being everywhere.

“Completely transparent top-end presence boost.”

We’re not sure how an EQ change that you don’t notice is useful, but selling you an $800 EQ module is great for us, so…

“The more you crank it, the more color you get.”

Just like everything else, you get more distortion the harder your drive the electronics.

“Ultra-high-speed front end.”

It handles audio frequencies.

“Forgiving overload tolerance.”

Your terrible gain structure might sound less bad if you buy this.

“None of the bells and whistles that crowd out the most important circuitry.”

Pay a premium, but for fewer features.

“The sound that only analog circuitry can deliver.”

Until you realize that the same transfer-function is totally possible in a digital system for a fraction of the cost.

“The controls you need, including makeup gain…”

Just like every other compressor, except this one costs $1700 per channel.

“Variable silk”

Distortion with a fancy name.

“Active monitor controller with pristine transparency and low noise.”

You’re about to pay $1600 for a volume knob and output routing.

“Audiophile-grade.”

The manufacturer wanted to pay slightly more for capacitors and inductors, and then charge you a huge premium.

“One channel of do-it-all compression.”

There are 32-input consoles with flexible compression on each channel that cost less and consume the same amount of rackspace as this thing.

“Mastering-grade.”

Extremely expensive, with knobs that have click-stops.

“Mojo.”

Mostly just wider EQ bands and a bit of distortion, if we’re honest.

“Proprietary, feed-forward detection topology.”

The same as many other modern compressor designs.

“Elma switches.”

You won’t notice a difference, but you’ll pay more.

“Pure, active, analog summing.”

Every analog mixer does the same thing.

“Diamond-buffer based headphone amplifiers.”

It’s a very basic and common circuit design, but we’re hyping it up.

“Tri-amped design gives these monitors an amazingly natural sound.”

There’s nothing inherently more natural about a tri-amped design, but we needed to make this blurb longer.

“Amplified by a custom, discrete MOSFET class AB triamp pack.”

Has solid-state amplifiers that won’t blow up the drivers easily.

“Truly impressive, even in less than ideal rooms.”

Most decent loudspeakers can achieve this.

“Sonic reach outside the range of your own hearing.”

No practical application outside of us making more money.

“Flax-sandwich cones.”

Gluten-free, with dijon mustard. Hold the mayo.

“Extended linear excursion.”

The woofers can move more.

“Mathematically Modeled Dispersion.”

Everybody designs their waveguides and horns using numbers.

“Acoustically concealed woofer.”

It really means optically concealed, but this is music, so we say “acoustically”.

“Innovative class AB amplifier.”

Class AB amplification has been around for a very long time, but we’ve got to hype this thing.

“Low-mass tweeter.”

All tweeters are low-mass, especially when compared to drivers for lower-frequency passbands.

“A no-compromise studio monitor.”

There’s no such thing.

“Features a no-crossover design.”

It’s only got one driver, so of course there’s no crossover.

“Broad, deep soundstage.”

Unquantifiable claim.

“Varimotion transducer.”

Yup, it’s a loudspeaker.

“Untouchable frequency response.”

Except for all the other headphones that can reproduce the entire audible spectrum.

“Amps with wide frequency response.”

Any modern amplifier will do 20 Hz – 20 kHz just fine.

“Boutique transformers.”

You’ll pay more, and you’ll try to convince yourself that you hear a difference.

“Streamlined version.”

“Crippled” version.

“Premium mic-preamps.”

Sounds the same as everything else.

“Unbeatable conversion.”

It gets signals into your computer and back out again.

“Tackle sample-rates up to 768 kHz.”

Our favority frequency is 384 kHz. You’ve probably never heard it before.

“Independent controls for input and monitoring levels.”

There’s nothing interesting to say about this thing.

“Unlimited track count.”

The manufacturer finally discovered that people hate paying more for what software should have always done.

“May be the best DAW you ever buy.”

Unquantifiable!

“Record, edit, arrange, mix, and master like never before.”

Just like every other DAW with a new version this year.

“SSL modeled console.”

It looks like an old mixing desk, so it must sound better, right?

“Flagship control surface.”

Because you haven’t spent that million-dollar inheritance yet.

“Do anything you could use a mouse and keyboard for.”

Except you’ll spend $5000 instead of $100.

“[Artist]/[Producer]/[Engineer] Signature Plug-In Pack”

The same EQ, dynamics, and reverb processing as everything else, but with the interface tweaked for faster access to certain settings.

“[Proprietary Name For System Tuning].”

Like every other half-decent powered speaker, this was equalized and time-aligned by the manufacturer.

“Abundant bass, due to frequency shading technology.”

Has a passive crossover with the tweeter padded down appropriately.

“1200 watts of power.”

Compared to the common 1000 watts, it’s less than a decibel difference.

“Hybrid amplification…”

A class D amplifier for LF with an AB for HF is pretty mundane, in truth.

“Up to 2000 watts peak power capacity.”

Put 2000 watts into one of these for more than a second, and you’ll be buying a new one.

“Low-profile design.”

High-profile price relative to overall performance.

“180 degree dispersion at all frequencies.”

Splattering sound everywhere seems like a good idea until you’re in a real room.

“Warm, musical EQ.”

Wide filters with no Q control.

“1-4 multitouch screens.”

How much money you got?

“Enough I/O to get started.”

But not enough I/O to finish. You’ll need the spendy expansion unit for that.

“Remote control via iOS devices.”

Oh, you’re invested in Android tablets? Too bad.

“Completely compatible with any device sporting an AES50 connection.”

Unless the console only works at 96k sampling, which means you’re totally out of luck.

“Won’t clutter up a house mix with too much volume.”

Doesn’t get loud enough for anything but a jazz gig.